My Grandchild Has Cancer; What Can I Do to Help?

If you’ve just been told this news, you are shocked and sad for yourself, your grandchild, and the parents. You feel devastated. You’ve just been hit with an explosion of emotions that defy description. No other event in your life has prepared you for this. What can you do to deal with this horrifying situation?

Acknowledge Your Feelings

“I feel so helpless.” “Why does this have to happen?” “The doctors must be mistaken,” or whatever you are feeling. And just give way to tears when you need it. Remember that you and your family are going through an extremely frightening experience, and that you are in this situation together.  

Take Care of Yourself First

Don’t forget your own medications or medical appointments. Set reminders and use pill organizers. Remember, you must take care of yourself before you can effectively care for others. Take a short walk every day. This helps clear your head and enables you to solve problems more effectively.

Sign up with a support group, such as CancerCare.org or a caregiver group. Check with your nearest children’s hospital for resources. Some support websites have helpful free publications that you can download to any folder on your computer and read. Consider websites that have online support.

The Sassy Carmen Foundation has real people who are good listeners with backgrounds involving children with cancer, with whom you can chat! (More information on Sassy Carmen below).

Support for the Parents

Be available to the parents to give them support. Don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Just offer a listening ear for them to express their feelings. Remember, parents are the primary decision-makers for their child’s care. What kinds of help are appropriate to offer?

• Practical help, with household chores or childcare for other children in the family.
• Make a dinner, run a load of laundry, or offer to help other children with homework.
• Ask if the parents are going to need financial assistance before providing it.
• Consider mowing the lawn or providing rides for the parents or children.
• Offer to run little errands.

While in the Hospital

If your grandchild is in the hospital, you can help their parents by bringing things they may not have available, such as clean clothes, toiletries such as toothbrushes and paste, shampoo, or deodorant. How about clean pillows, books or magazines, and activities for children, such as crafts or coloring books? Include cards and letters from friends and family. Always ask to find out what they need. Additionally, consult with the nursing staff, as they may have valuable suggestions.

There are Many Sources for Help

One source is the Sassy Carmen Foundation. It is named for Sassy and Carmen, two women who lost their lives to cancer. The Foundation was founded, and is operated today, by Sassy’s daughter, Laura, and Carmen’s sister Naomi. The Foundation provides local services in its area in mid to southeast Virginia and northeast North Carolina. It offers additional support for children with cancer and their families all over the country through the informational blogs on its website, and some financial assistance as well via its programs. The Foundation offers a range of support, from practical assistance to emotional support, and can be a valuable resource for families navigating childhood cancer. Go to their Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) and fill out a support request form to connect with them. They are very responsive and kind.

When Talking with the Parents:

Avoid platitudes and unasked-for advice. Do not say:

• “I know how you feel.” (Even if you have been through a similar situation, you don’t.)
• “It will all be ok.” (It may not.)
• “You’re amazing. I couldn’t handle anything like this.” (They don’t feel amazing.)
• “I read on the web that this new treatment helps cure cancer. Have you tried it yet?” (Let the parents develop trust in their doctors, and if they want to, they can do their own web search.) And remember, not everything you read on the web is accurate or even appropriate.

Instead, show compassion and let them know you’re willing to help. You might say positive things like:

• I want to help.
• I’m always here to listen if you need me.
• You can depend on me if you need help of any kind.
• I’m thinking of you.

Focus on Your Grandchild

• Put away and silence your phone.
• Play gives the child (and you) a sense of normalcy, helping to reduce stress and anxiety. Play games with them, even video games (your grandchild will show you how!)  Teach them a craft. For older children, learn a bit about how to crochet tiny animals. (It’s called amigurumi, a Japanese word for “tiny crocheted animal.) You can buy kits online. Then teach the child and yourself how to do this. For younger children, make things out of modeling clay or Legos.        
• Consider reading a book to the child, even if they are older. Try one of the classics or whatever the child requests. Your grandchild needs rest, and being read to gives a sense of peace.
• When discussing cancer, allow the child to guide the conversation with their questions or feelings. Use simple words like “your body is made up of tiny units called cells. There are good cells and bad cells. Right now, the bad cells are trying to take over, and your medicine is made to keep them from doing that.”

A Few Things to Consider

• If you are far away, use video calls, cards, and photos to maintain a connection with your grandchild and their family. Write a good old-fashioned letter. Kids love getting mail with their name on it! You can read with your child via a video call. If you are not yet comfortable with this technology, ask a friend who uses computers or any teenager for help getting started.  Ask the parents and your grandchild what they would like. Ask the parents what reading level is appropriate – it may not be the same as the child’s school grade level!
• Don’t lean on the parents with your own thoughts and feelings. They are already overburdened. Talk with a friend, a counselor, or a pastoral advisor. Remember, some information is confidential and should not be shared with friends without the parents’ permission.
• If you need more medical information about your grandchild’s condition, express this respectfully to the parents or healthcare professionals.
• Consider contacting the Child Life Specialist at your child’s hospital. These professionals are part of your grandchild’s health care team, and may have already met your grandchild and their parents. There is a specialist like this in most large pediatric and cancer centers. They are experts in working with hospitalized children to make sure their lives maintain a sense of normalcy as much as possible, by providing age-relevant activities that provide diversion, education, relaxation, physical activity, or just fun.

Finding Guidance and Hope

Explore the websites in this reference list. There is no “owner’s manual” for what to do if your grandchild has cancer; only support, education, and love from family members of other children with cancer. Look to your beliefs and your faith for solid support, as this can be a great source of strength for you and your family.

References

www.sassycarmen.foundation

https://www.cclg.org.uk/about-cancer/information-resources/publications/supporting-your-grandchild-and-family

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6690724/#:~:text=Grandparents%20can%20be%20an%20invaluable,needs%20%5B5%2C6%5D

https://www.cancercare.org

https://www.childrens.com/health-wellness/how-to-support-parents-of-a-cancer-patient

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22651-child-life-specialist